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06 February 2017 @ 12:25 am
It's been 6 years officially
6 years with my significant other
we've been married officially 2 years now
she's in the military now
previously she was unlike anyone I've ever met in my entire life
I dated an ex for aprx 2.5 yrs and it wasn't healthy
With her, now, it's the best I've ever been

And then she broke down to me and said she wanted to be more open, would I care if she kissed anyone else or anything like that[?], I said I'd think about it and I really did. I thought long and I thought hard and I said 'sure', because, how can you say no to something you've not even attempted. I thought, we've been together a while, it could be exciting, it could be fun, nothing serious and all that jazz.

For a while nothing happened of it, except that I joked with her and her friends or shipmates and made silly flirty comments and then one day she shows me her ok-cupid profile. And her meetme profile. And she said she'd been talking to a few people. One of them lived in the next town over - could they meet up while I was working just to hang out[?].

I don't handle change well but I tried to be open. She's social, she's extroverted, I'm the opposite and if she wants friends I can't keep her from that. I have a friend I met online and we talk nearly every day. So I get it. Her's is just different. That's fine too. So I said sure, even though it made me anxious. It made me nervous. It made me jealous and possessive and I didn't like it. I tried to shove away the feelings.

I remember when my ex told me she thought it'd be hot if I was the other woman and fuck what a mistake that was. And so I wanted to be more mature. More open. I want to feel older and more capable and like I can handle it. But I couldn't. I didn't. I can't.

I gave it a lot more time. Because sometimes I see her side of it. And for a while, I had people to talk to also. But it fell off because I couldn't keep interest. I was more content with just a friend or two and my wife as my world. It's how I am. I'm just me.
She came to me the day I was finally nearing a wits end- she must have sensed something was about to go down because she broke into a whole spiel about how happy she was to have someone like me who accepted her like she was.
For a quick reference, we both roleplay online forums. She told me that she has a character like that - open relationship - and she thinks it's the best thing. She loves that I'm open to that sort of thing and she's so lucky I'm not like other girls who would be jealous and stuff.
The most ironic isn't it.

So then I stayed quiet. And she tells me some Friday that her friend was coming up from the state below us and was going to stay the weekend. I didn't have an opportunity to process it or say yes or no or anything and she asked if that was okay. Her friend and her have been chatting for a while and I trust my wife but I also know they've been flirtatious (she has shown me their messages I was okay enough with them at the time) and so I didn't get a real chance to process it (as I've said) so I just shrugged and said 'okay'. She didn't bother to press and the first day was terrible.
I was really mean and rude toward her friend and I know that it isn't her fault.

My wife cornered me and I let loose. Over the next few days (after her friend left) I started to tell her more and more and more. And I thought we had finally come to an understanding. I thought I had made it clear. I thought I was understood. And then she says something about polyamory - I guess I thought maybe if that were the case it'd be different.

So tonight she's asleep with her phone next to me. It's wrong. It's not okay. I know that. But she went into the bedroom (away from me) earlier to talk on the phone to one of her other friends. And so then I looked through her phone. I did it because I'm insecure and fucked up and I found that she'd called her friends while she was working and had only been messaging me. I found that she'd called her friends all throughout the day - esp the last number. And I saw how long they talked. And I checked their messages and one of them showed deleted. And then I checked her kik and the messages between them on there. And now I'm sick. My stomach hurts and I hate myself. I hate myself and I hate that I ever agreed to this.

Hilarious afterthought: am currently on an adult website as an amateur model. I don't know how the hell I'm justifying that at all but fuck me if it isn't shitty.

Basically though. Just fuck this all. Shit like this is why I never wanted to get married in the first place. This is why I didn't want the burden. The stress. I can't do this. I don't know how to handle myself. Fuck reality. I can't.
Reclusive Words In Cursive
23 January 2017 @ 06:27 am
seriously fucking hate myself
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16 January 2017 @ 03:08 am
Just as fat as ever only down about a total of 10 pounds meh